This book by Michael J. Fox caught my eye in Wal-mart yesterday and I haven't been able to get it off my mind since. Let's be real..... I have to have it. After reading the first few pages I thought to myself about how I used to relate and how I relate now. Granted, I don't have Parkinson's but there are obstacles in everyone's life that cripple you. Some for a short period of time and others for life. But the way you deal with those obstacles ultimately determines and defines who you are. Everyone has had their own personal "Parkinson's disease." Sometimes it starts out as a small 'twitch' while other times it hits you like a seizure. For me, I was "diagnosed" September 25, 2006.
At about 8 o'clock that night I was hit with the worst news I could ever imagine. News that I knew changed me from that moment on for the rest of my life. Life as I knew it was over and I knew I would never be the same. When faced with such a life-changing event one is forced to look at and re-evaluate life. You begin thinking way too much and everything that used to be 'normal' isn't so normal anymore. Waking up for your morning cup of coffee just isn't the same. Your favorite places don't bring that sense of joy to your heart when you walk through the door. Inside jokes aren't as funny as they once were. Friends surround you and dissolve the pain for moments but only to have it solidify when you are once again in your own company. Nothing seems to help. After the pain subsides, fear creeps its way in to corrupt and influence every decision from here on out.
I was paralyzed by the fear. Taken, consumed, and controlled by it. My every decision (or indecision) was based solely on the pure intoxication of being so afraid of having regrets or making mistakes, only to find out 2 years later that that was my biggest mistake of all.
You will never hear me say I regret any of it. I don't regret the weeks I sat at home alone. I don't regret the 25 lbs I gained (and lost!). I don't regret quitting my job and moving away. I don't regret being helpless and sad. I don't regret putting such a dependency on one person to make it all better and shutting everyone else out. But most of all, I don't regret losing that one person even though he was the force that held my broken world together, at that time. In my mind, I was convinced I couldn't do it on my own and that I needed him in order for me to be okay. Whether he says bad things about me to this day is beyond me but regardless, love was my novacaine. Numbing the pain and keeping me just high enough to go through the motions of life.
In a sense some would call me an ex-drug addict, so to speak. Some would say I just got over it. Some would say I grew up or that reality finally hit me. As for me, I say the answer has very little to do with any of those things and everything to do with perspective. The perspective I took on life. The only thing I had no say in was whether or not I had to live with this 'disease' for the rest of my life. That part was inevitable. Everything else was up to me. I knew I had a choice. I could continue to wake up every day concentrating on the fact that it wasn't going to change or I could get on with my life and see if maybe the empty void would eventually start filling itself in. And so far, it has.
My biggest challenge was accepting what was at hand. The mere fact of being identified as the girl who was diagnosed with a 'disease' 2 years ago wasn't something I was keen on. I didn't want anyone else to know, I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want people to feel sorry for me, and as long as I could keep it hidden I was still just a normal person. A mind-set which created the perfect scene for complete denial. I painted myself as a fictional character in a non-fiction world. That had to change. A new road needed to be taken, and in any instance when that happens, the old one is abandoned, but never forgotten.
["At the turn from our bedroom into the hallway, there is an old full-length mirror in a wooden frame. I can't help but catch a glimpse of myself as I pass. Turning fully toward the glass, I consider what I see. This reflected version of myself, wet, shaking, rumpled, pinched, and slightly stooped, would be alarming were it not for the self-satisfied expression pasted across my face. I would ask the obvious question, 'what are you smile about?' but I already know the answer: 'it just get better from here.' "* ]
Michael J. Fox couldn't have said this any better. Although it being his morning routine there probably wasn't much thought in the writing process. In any sense, it is one of the most influential things I've read in a long time. The passage precisely combines the two worlds of what once was and what is now. Once upon a time, a broken "sick" girl. Happily ever after, an unfaltering, headstrong, confident girl energized by the simple sound of her dog's bark or the warm feel of the sun on her face. A girl characterized, by her friends ;), for her charm, enthusiasm, ability to have fun, and simply being superfantastical. A girl who, for the first time in her life, has grown to love and know exactly who she is. That girl is me, and I couldn't love me more.
Michael J. Fox and I share the common belief that any situation, given the right circumstances, can be improved. Tough times are going to wage war on the good times and I was always one to admit defeat before any of my soldiers could get hurt. You know the typical, life gives you lemon, make lemonade. If it rains on your parade, dance in it. Unfortunately the stresses of today's society and economic standing make it extremely difficult to keep such an up-look on life. But for a second, take glimpse at your past, when tough times came did they not eventually leave too? Life has a peculiar way of working itself out. Sometimes it feels like you're taking one step forward and two steps back. Or maybe you just completely clasp. The important thing is is that you're taking that one step, and make that one step count. I'll never conquer my 'disease' and I know there will be days when it gets the best of me. When those times come, along with other tough times that intercept my path, I remind myself that it will all come to pass but in the meantime, take it in stride.
It's not that I don't feel the aching pain of loss. It's not that I don't wake up every day and not have it be the first thing to cross my mind. It's not that it has no effect on me when I sit down and really think about it, because sometimes, when you're alone, minutes pass before you even realize you're crying. So, what's my 'disease'? The one that changed, transformed, molded, and forever impacted mine and my family's life for the rest of eternity... well, let's just say I have the best Mom in the whole world, always has been and always will be. And there was a time when I was once the best big sister to craziest, funniest, most amazing, biggest little bro ever. Being an only child wasn't in the script, but somehow on that September night it made it's way there. The journey has been one of great tribulation, but one that has taught me the greatest life lessons I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Cherish your family, love your friends, have no regrets, fear no mistakes, do what makes you happy because you only live once, and most of all, [Always. Look. Up.]
At about 8 o'clock that night I was hit with the worst news I could ever imagine. News that I knew changed me from that moment on for the rest of my life. Life as I knew it was over and I knew I would never be the same. When faced with such a life-changing event one is forced to look at and re-evaluate life. You begin thinking way too much and everything that used to be 'normal' isn't so normal anymore. Waking up for your morning cup of coffee just isn't the same. Your favorite places don't bring that sense of joy to your heart when you walk through the door. Inside jokes aren't as funny as they once were. Friends surround you and dissolve the pain for moments but only to have it solidify when you are once again in your own company. Nothing seems to help. After the pain subsides, fear creeps its way in to corrupt and influence every decision from here on out.
I was paralyzed by the fear. Taken, consumed, and controlled by it. My every decision (or indecision) was based solely on the pure intoxication of being so afraid of having regrets or making mistakes, only to find out 2 years later that that was my biggest mistake of all.
You will never hear me say I regret any of it. I don't regret the weeks I sat at home alone. I don't regret the 25 lbs I gained (and lost!). I don't regret quitting my job and moving away. I don't regret being helpless and sad. I don't regret putting such a dependency on one person to make it all better and shutting everyone else out. But most of all, I don't regret losing that one person even though he was the force that held my broken world together, at that time. In my mind, I was convinced I couldn't do it on my own and that I needed him in order for me to be okay. Whether he says bad things about me to this day is beyond me but regardless, love was my novacaine. Numbing the pain and keeping me just high enough to go through the motions of life.
In a sense some would call me an ex-drug addict, so to speak. Some would say I just got over it. Some would say I grew up or that reality finally hit me. As for me, I say the answer has very little to do with any of those things and everything to do with perspective. The perspective I took on life. The only thing I had no say in was whether or not I had to live with this 'disease' for the rest of my life. That part was inevitable. Everything else was up to me. I knew I had a choice. I could continue to wake up every day concentrating on the fact that it wasn't going to change or I could get on with my life and see if maybe the empty void would eventually start filling itself in. And so far, it has.
My biggest challenge was accepting what was at hand. The mere fact of being identified as the girl who was diagnosed with a 'disease' 2 years ago wasn't something I was keen on. I didn't want anyone else to know, I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want people to feel sorry for me, and as long as I could keep it hidden I was still just a normal person. A mind-set which created the perfect scene for complete denial. I painted myself as a fictional character in a non-fiction world. That had to change. A new road needed to be taken, and in any instance when that happens, the old one is abandoned, but never forgotten.
["At the turn from our bedroom into the hallway, there is an old full-length mirror in a wooden frame. I can't help but catch a glimpse of myself as I pass. Turning fully toward the glass, I consider what I see. This reflected version of myself, wet, shaking, rumpled, pinched, and slightly stooped, would be alarming were it not for the self-satisfied expression pasted across my face. I would ask the obvious question, 'what are you smile about?' but I already know the answer: 'it just get better from here.' "* ]
Michael J. Fox couldn't have said this any better. Although it being his morning routine there probably wasn't much thought in the writing process. In any sense, it is one of the most influential things I've read in a long time. The passage precisely combines the two worlds of what once was and what is now. Once upon a time, a broken "sick" girl. Happily ever after, an unfaltering, headstrong, confident girl energized by the simple sound of her dog's bark or the warm feel of the sun on her face. A girl characterized, by her friends ;), for her charm, enthusiasm, ability to have fun, and simply being superfantastical. A girl who, for the first time in her life, has grown to love and know exactly who she is. That girl is me, and I couldn't love me more.
Michael J. Fox and I share the common belief that any situation, given the right circumstances, can be improved. Tough times are going to wage war on the good times and I was always one to admit defeat before any of my soldiers could get hurt. You know the typical, life gives you lemon, make lemonade. If it rains on your parade, dance in it. Unfortunately the stresses of today's society and economic standing make it extremely difficult to keep such an up-look on life. But for a second, take glimpse at your past, when tough times came did they not eventually leave too? Life has a peculiar way of working itself out. Sometimes it feels like you're taking one step forward and two steps back. Or maybe you just completely clasp. The important thing is is that you're taking that one step, and make that one step count. I'll never conquer my 'disease' and I know there will be days when it gets the best of me. When those times come, along with other tough times that intercept my path, I remind myself that it will all come to pass but in the meantime, take it in stride.
It's not that I don't feel the aching pain of loss. It's not that I don't wake up every day and not have it be the first thing to cross my mind. It's not that it has no effect on me when I sit down and really think about it, because sometimes, when you're alone, minutes pass before you even realize you're crying. So, what's my 'disease'? The one that changed, transformed, molded, and forever impacted mine and my family's life for the rest of eternity... well, let's just say I have the best Mom in the whole world, always has been and always will be. And there was a time when I was once the best big sister to craziest, funniest, most amazing, biggest little bro ever. Being an only child wasn't in the script, but somehow on that September night it made it's way there. The journey has been one of great tribulation, but one that has taught me the greatest life lessons I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Cherish your family, love your friends, have no regrets, fear no mistakes, do what makes you happy because you only live once, and most of all, [Always. Look. Up.]
3.8.1989 - 9.25.2006
