I'm a little upset today. Although, I think it's been over the course of a period of time and it's all built up. There comes a point, I think, when you have to stop and look at everything and decide what is true and what is not. More importantly though, WHO is true and who is not. Sometimes you hear things from others and sometimes you find out things on your own. Call me a sucker, but I've always been one to give everyone the benefit of the doubt even if it hits me point blank in the face. Likewise I seem to give 2nd chances way too easily. Mostly because I know I, personally, make tons and tons of mistakes. I sometimes can't help but think, though, that those who really are true wouldn't mess up in the first place. I try to be the best person I can be, the best friend I can be, and I try to do anything I can for my friends ("friends"?), but that seems to get thrown back at me, usually about the time I start opening up and letting people in. I suppose this is all a product of feeling like I've been getting screwed for awhile.
One of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard anyone say to me was from a girl I worked with who was having a fight with her friend and she told me she was upset because her friend talked bad about her behind her back and she found out. Her exact words about why she was so mad were: "I'm really upset about it because we promised we weren't going to talk bad about each other behind the other's back." ...................................... HUH?!!? I thought that came with being friends? I mean, at least that's what I think. Maybe I'm outta the loop. Or perhaps I have this whole concept of friendship all wrong. I was pretty certain being a friend to someone consisted of being there, listening, understanding, have good times, helping with the bad, you know all the given stuff. But being a TRUE friend, someone you may even call your best, I guess I just had it stuck in my mind that a true friend would stand up for you when others talk you down, lend you money if you need it, keep secrets you ask them to, not cross the line (and everyone knows there is a line of things friends shouldn't do, like sleep with the ex-boyfriend kind of thing) and when you do have a fight not say bad things about you to other people (1. because it's not their business and 2. because you just don't say bad things unless you're certain the friendship is over because at that point it doesn't matter anymore anyway). Maybe I'm just not a good and/or true friend and that's why all this happens. Maybe I'm not honest or loyal or trustworthy or dependable enough. Or maybe I'm asking too much of people. Who knows.
It definitely sucks hearing/finding out about things your "friends" said/did because it's like, "damn, I really trusted that person." Then again it's also a relief because at least now you know better. I'm beginning to know better.
|the only person you can truly and completely trust in the world is you|
Monday, June 29, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
.Insomnia.
I've been thinking a lot lately.
Mostly about the past.
Some about the future and hardly any about the present.
In contrast, I seem to be more focused on the things I'm looking forward to in the future than the things I miss so much about past or the things I'm doing presently.
Interestingly, I seem to be more motivated than I've ever been to accomplish the things I really want to do, even if it means working a ton more and passing up a couple concerts, nights out, and unessential things I just feel like buying.
I'm more willing and determined than ever to stay in and save money.
You know, a question asked so often by so many people is: What do you fear most? or What are you most afraid of in life?
Answer: Not doing the things I really want to in life. In short, I'm afraid of not living.
I want to have stories when I get old (although I swear I'm never going to be old). I want to be able to say:
- I walked the Great Wall of China
- I laid in the grass in front of the Eiffel Tower
- I jumped out of a plane just to say I pushed myself to do something crazy and for the sake of living life on the edge.
- I donated a total of 10 gallons of blood just to save numerous lives.
- I watched a baseball game at Fenway (maybe even catch a foul).
- I hiked through Yellowstone and snowboarded down the Rockies.
- I met Lady Liberty.
- I stood next to the Nile and witnessed the Great Pyramids.
- I found the greatest love imaginable.
- I did something extraordinary for someone else.
- I trained to Stonehenge with a great Brit friend.
- I surfed in the Pacific and ventured through the San Diego Zoo.
- I swam with dolphins.
- I experienced the Northern Lights from Norway/Russia/Alaska.
- I learned how to sail.
- I made a living of going outside my comfort zone for the love of culture, diversity, trying different things, and doing things I've never done.
And on and on and on. Ah! there are so many things!
I want to do all there is to do and see all there is to see.
Most of all, when I'm 90 years old sitting on the rocking chair with my grandkids, I want to be able to say: "I lived. Boy, did I live. I lived the hell out of life."
|twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. so throw off the bowlines. sail away from the safe harbor. catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.|
Mostly about the past.
Some about the future and hardly any about the present.
In contrast, I seem to be more focused on the things I'm looking forward to in the future than the things I miss so much about past or the things I'm doing presently.
Interestingly, I seem to be more motivated than I've ever been to accomplish the things I really want to do, even if it means working a ton more and passing up a couple concerts, nights out, and unessential things I just feel like buying.
I'm more willing and determined than ever to stay in and save money.
You know, a question asked so often by so many people is: What do you fear most? or What are you most afraid of in life?
Answer: Not doing the things I really want to in life. In short, I'm afraid of not living.
I want to have stories when I get old (although I swear I'm never going to be old). I want to be able to say:
- I walked the Great Wall of China
- I laid in the grass in front of the Eiffel Tower
- I jumped out of a plane just to say I pushed myself to do something crazy and for the sake of living life on the edge.
- I donated a total of 10 gallons of blood just to save numerous lives.
- I watched a baseball game at Fenway (maybe even catch a foul).
- I hiked through Yellowstone and snowboarded down the Rockies.
- I met Lady Liberty.
- I stood next to the Nile and witnessed the Great Pyramids.
- I found the greatest love imaginable.
- I did something extraordinary for someone else.
- I trained to Stonehenge with a great Brit friend.
- I surfed in the Pacific and ventured through the San Diego Zoo.
- I swam with dolphins.
- I experienced the Northern Lights from Norway/Russia/Alaska.
- I learned how to sail.
- I made a living of going outside my comfort zone for the love of culture, diversity, trying different things, and doing things I've never done.
And on and on and on. Ah! there are so many things!
I want to do all there is to do and see all there is to see.
Most of all, when I'm 90 years old sitting on the rocking chair with my grandkids, I want to be able to say: "I lived. Boy, did I live. I lived the hell out of life."
|twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. so throw off the bowlines. sail away from the safe harbor. catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.|
Monday, June 1, 2009
I'm not afraid of growing up, just getting old. I know 4 different weddings that happened this past Saturday of people I know. Some of them have kids already, some have kids on the way, some already have kids with more on the way, and some are neither expecting or currently have any. I know it may be the life that they want but the thought of getting married and/or having kids right now terrifies me. There are so many things I want to do and places I want to see before any of that happens. I sometimes feel like I will never have enough time to accomplish the things I want to in life. Getting married or having kids right now would completely change my course of life and hinder everything that I want to do before I am ready to do any of that. I would rather be completely ready for both of those things (marriage/kids) and accept them with full happiness then not to be ready for either and forced to accept them. Yes, it would be nice to have a companion to share the journey with but I don't want to be restrained from venturing the world or jumping from a plane or have to think twice about my decisions because someone else is involved. I just want to do. Live. 
I once got the chance to stand outside of the Colosseum in Rome and look up. Although I toured Italy and saw many miraculous and breath-taking things; the Statue of David, School of Athens, Sistine Chapel, Michelangelo's Pieta, Galileo's house, St. Mark's Basilica; this ---------------> is my greatest memory I have of being there. I remember it so vividly. When I return myself to the night I stood looking up at the Colosseum, it overwhelms me. To this day I can remember the exact thoughts and feelings I had at that exact moment. It wasn't the fact that I was standing in front of one of the greatest pieces of ancient history or that I was in Rome, because that never left my mind. I almost cried when I saw the Colosseum for the first time because it was like I was in a dream. During this moment, I felt minuscule. I was irrelevant when compared to the world has a whole. I had never given much thought as to how big the world actually is until that very moment. I was overtaken by the size of the Colosseum. Consumed by it. How could they build something this incredible back then and still have it be standing today? I've been next to and inside skyscrapers and I've never had the reaction I had standing here looking up, speech-less. The only thing I could do was admire. There is something about the fact that I may never get to do the things that I really want to do that scares the hell out of me. I've been to Madrid, Spain and toured Italy, I can't say that I am unfortunate for that, because I consider myself very lucky to have had that opportunity, but like every human once you get a taste of it you just want more. I want nothing more than to see the world. Before it's too late.
|The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page. ~St. Augustine |
I once got the chance to stand outside of the Colosseum in Rome and look up. Although I toured Italy and saw many miraculous and breath-taking things; the Statue of David, School of Athens, Sistine Chapel, Michelangelo's Pieta, Galileo's house, St. Mark's Basilica; this ---------------> is my greatest memory I have of being there. I remember it so vividly. When I return myself to the night I stood looking up at the Colosseum, it overwhelms me. To this day I can remember the exact thoughts and feelings I had at that exact moment. It wasn't the fact that I was standing in front of one of the greatest pieces of ancient history or that I was in Rome, because that never left my mind. I almost cried when I saw the Colosseum for the first time because it was like I was in a dream. During this moment, I felt minuscule. I was irrelevant when compared to the world has a whole. I had never given much thought as to how big the world actually is until that very moment. I was overtaken by the size of the Colosseum. Consumed by it. How could they build something this incredible back then and still have it be standing today? I've been next to and inside skyscrapers and I've never had the reaction I had standing here looking up, speech-less. The only thing I could do was admire. There is something about the fact that I may never get to do the things that I really want to do that scares the hell out of me. I've been to Madrid, Spain and toured Italy, I can't say that I am unfortunate for that, because I consider myself very lucky to have had that opportunity, but like every human once you get a taste of it you just want more. I want nothing more than to see the world. Before it's too late.|The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page. ~St. Augustine |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)